Every Time it Rains
by Alwaysgurl2013
Summary: Songfic! Meredith's feelings after the bombing and her thoughts about many of the things that have happened recently to her. Rated T for Language... One shot


**The song is Every Time it Rains by Charlotte Martin. The story follows what happened in Grey's Anatomy Season 2 Episode 17 As We Know It Part 2. Bold is the song lyrics, **regular** is the story.**

Meredith's POV

**Every time it rains, I listen to the sky,**

**I wonder what's so great about sunshine.**

**So everyone lives and everyone dies,**

**And no one's going to love you like I do.**

After finally arriving home, all I wanted to do was lie in bed. Christina, Izzie, George, none of them bothered me since I had shown them that I didn't want to talk at all. I almost died today, but the rain falling outside my window tells me that it's ok to feel depressed. Why wouldn't I? I fell in love with a married man, who ended up being my boss, and was starting to feel happy being with him, until his wife showed up. Not only did he decide to choose her, he shoves it in my face since they both work at the hospital with me. And even with all this, I still loved him.

**When it was getting dark, I didn't need a match,**

**I never needed light to see you.**

**You thought I disappeared, but I was always here**

**I could never get that far from you.**

"Mer?" Izzie calls from the hallway. "Do you want me to bring you something to eat? Or turn a lamp on so it's not so dark in here?" I didn't reply still thinking over my hell hole of a life. If I turned on a light, it would be like accepting that I was alone in this world; accepting that I almost died today, and yet he didn't even love me enough to come and see if I was ok. Of course I wasn't, but I might have been a little better knowing that he still cared. "Guess not." She closed the door quietly and I heard her walking away from my room. Even after choosing her, Derek was still the center of my thoughts, my life, my everything. Haunting my thoughts, never letting me let go of him.

**Though I misunderstand and been misunderstood,**

**So love me 'cause you can and not because you should.**

Even when we were together, there had been times of misunderstandings; times when one of use would tell the other the wrong time they were getting off, times when one of use forgot to pick something up at the store, things like that, but forgetting to tell someone your married, that is not something that can be misunderstood; Derek didn't want me to know. And every time he said I love you; well I guess he was lying, or just left the "and others" off from the end.

**Every time it rains**

**I know it's good to be alive**

**And every time it rains**

**I know I'm trying to survive**

The rain hits the landing outside my wind, plinking with ever drop that hit the wood. To think that I almost died today, the rain is helping me realize that I am alive, whether or not if Derek cares about me. Even if I am feeling depressed, I have every right to be. That's what we tell patients that have gone through traumatic situations, it's ok to hurt. The pain helps you know you're alive, even when you're struggling to survive. Pain that rips you from the inside out or pain that causes you to close up so that no one knows what going on inside.

**Take it as it comes, and take me as I am**

**I never was a good imposter**

**I know how to dream but don't know where to stand**

**I'm willing to admit I try too hard**

Christina left me to lay there as she knew I wouldn't want to talk. That's what your person should do for you; they should know when you need them and when you just need to sit alone. Every time that Izzie or George came to check on me though I pretended to be asleep so they wouldn't bother me. When they leave though, I think through all the things I thought I wanted from my life. All the hopes and dreams I had put in the plan for my life flash through my mind and I watch it all play out, realizing that everything I had dreamed now included Derek's face. Does this mean I shouldn't dream?

**Stop playing with my heart; I'm waiting by the phone**

**Afraid to be myself, afraid to be alone**

My breathing turns slowly to gasps as I try to come to the understanding that I need to change my dreams so that I don't keep dreaming about the man that I will never get. I stare at the phone next to my bed. If he loves me he would call, right? The time passes and I start questioning everything that I thought was right. He loves me, He loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not. Not, Not, Not, Not, Not. The three letter word shakes through me like a hurricane on a warpath. Dry sobs rake through my body. What do I have to live for? Will my life just suck forever? Dark, Twisty, and Alone.

**Every time it rains**

**I know it's good to be alive**

**And every time it rains**

**I know I'm trying to survive**

**And every time it rains**

**I'm gunna hide myself inside**

"Mer, are you ok?" Izzie calls from the door. She sees that I am staring out the window before I have a chance to fake being asleep. She comes and sits down next to me. "Want to talk about anything?" I still don't respond.

"Just leave Mer alone Izzie! She needs time to think through what happened." Christina says pointedly, trying not to get mad thinking it might upset me. Izzie looks at me, waiting to see what I will say as I usually break up the fights between them. When I say nothing, she just walks out the door. "Sorry about that Mer."

"It's fine." I whisper.

"You should get time to be alone to feel better. I'll keep her away."

"I'm fine." I lie.

"No you're not." She says before closing the door, reading the truth since I can't lie to her.

**I know it's good to be alive**

**I know it's good to be alive**

**I know it's good to be alive**

Maybe Fate was trying to tell me that I don't deserve anything. My life is worthless and I will always be alone. I hear Christina whispering to Izzie and George outside my room. "We need to keep an eye on Meredith when she isn't in her room for a while. I am thinking that she might start to feel suicidal after what happened, especially since McAss decided to stay with his wife. Also don't keep checking on her Izzie, she won't respond to that she needs time to just think." SUICIDAL? They think I would get rid of my life because of Derek? My life may not have much worth, but if he doesn't want me why would I kill myself over him?

**Every time it rains**

**I know it's good to be alive**

**And every time it rains**

**I know I'm trying to survive**

The rain still falls outside my window, and I start to just lay and relax a bit. I think through the happier times of my life, even if that meant thinking of the times I spent with Derek. I remember meeting him, kinda, and I remember many of the times we just hung out together after we started dating. I think through our first meaningful kiss and try to remember our last happy kiss before Addison showed up. I can't remember, just like how he didn't remember to let me know he had a wife. He screwed with my happiness, and yet I still want him. I don't know when, but at some point in time, Derek Shepherd became the one thing I thought I could rely on in my life and I wish I could have relied on him to be here now. I wish he was lying beside me telling me that everything was ok now and how he was so scared when he thought I had almost died, but that will never happen. He has Addison to worry about and share his love with.

**Every time it rains**

**Every time it rains**

**Every time it rains**

**Every time it rains**

"Mer, there is someone at the door for you." Izzie says and then walks out leaving the door open.


End file.
